In your second example I note that you avoid giving the time signature.
(Unless of course the composer insists and he happens to be a total serialist in time values). In your first example I find the corrections … correct! The second version certainly makes the part more readable and I totally agree that the last double doted crotchet should be written as a minim as the semiquaver rest will not be missed by most ears.
That really takes us outside your main question into the art of music engraving, but there is no harm to take it into account some times. What is of the outmost importance is to make the part as easy as possible to read and to that end not only rhythmical divisions should be considered but a few things on the side, like placement and readability of other signs except from notes. I think that the general problem/solution is a matter of arithmetic and rationality, with certain allowances made for conventions that may seem irrational at first sight.
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